The World Around Me

Fear

Fear crawling

Under the covers lurking

Touching my thighs

And setting in my womb

Conceiving a monster

******

Everyday passes by

It grows hands and legs

It starts to show

I can’t hide it

Nor can I get rid of it

******

It’s moving under my skin

Touching my womb

Moving in my vein

Reaching my heart

And causing me pain

Feeding off my blood

Sucking life out of me

******

Where’s courage?

Where’s hope?

Have I not given birth to them?

Am I a deserted mother?

About to give birth to a monster

******

I want to get rid of it

And put an end to all of this

******

Bearing it is like

Having a knife stabbing your heart

Over and over and over

That it hurts

And causes me to bleed

******

Heavens give me courage

To pull this baby off of me

With bear hands

To rip his arms and legs

And pull his head off

And take him out of my womb

******

I’ll walk out from darkness to light

With hope in my arms

And courage walking next to me

But you little monster will never see light

For you have ruined lives

And destroyed nations

******

How innocent do you think it can be?

It’s got lots of brothers with all different names

Going round houses and setting in women’s wombs

Taking smiles away

Killing life in the innocents

Causing tears to drop endlessly

Keeping them in the dark

With the illusion of shame

******

Haven’t you ever felt that you weren’t really around and that all that’s happening to you is just a dream?    How is it when you lie on your cold bed and start to think and you realize that you are not alone in your head?

Times past by when I fall into a deep sleep, not literally sleep but a mind sleep… I disconnect from the world around me and go into a misty area and start to fly away in the dark, it’s not a scary place for me but it’s a very quiet and a calm place to be where I can rest my soul for a while.   You may think that it’s crazy but you miss the point here, I do things like this so that I don’t feel more pain or exhaustion.

Just think about it, a dark place that you create for yourself is better than a dark place that someone else would create for you.    A dark place is not necessarily scary as long as you bring a torch with you or just to make it a little bit romantic, bring a candle…. Just kidding…………. Anyway, this is a come back and I just wanted to write something but it’s just a little difficult for me to do so since I’ve been away for so long.  A lot of things happened but mostly just was hiding in my little tiny cave… a lot of happy things did happen but it was followed with a lot problems, aggressions, brutality… nothing happy continues  unless you maintain which is hard by the way, there should be a lot of efforts from everyone involved in this precious life of ours to make things work out for the best, otherwise one will end up trying to pull the right strings but would think that he’s guilty and that it’s his fault why things aren’t right at all.   Probably that person would end up shooting his self which not good at all………. Surely dear reader that you won’t understand anything and that’s the beauty of it…. You must learn to look into things from different angles, just for you to understand what it’s all about.

Before I screw it even more….. I’d rather sign off and shut my mouth for a while but I surely will be back and I would write to you all in details, the good things and the bad things but I guess this is enough for now.

Finally I just want to say, mommy Julieann take a good care of yourself and remember that I always will love coz you are my sweet mommy, mwah.

I shall walk through darkness and lead you with me to light.

When you reach a dead end, all you want to do is dig a grave for yourself and forget that life ever existed and be you and death one.  

Scary how sometimes I think about death, but someone who’s tried to take his own life once is not scared of so called death. I always had this thing that I either imagined or wished for, that my grand dad will come the day I die and take me by the hand and lead me to the light. It’s the best thing I wished for; I just want to have a glimpse of his face, the face of the man who loved me once more than his own kids and his other grand kids. I was his favourite and no one could have taken me from him, not even my own parents. Unfortunately, he died after I travelled with my mom to follow my dad to Yemen. He died just after my birthday but what hurt me the most was that on my birthday he put on the videos he took of me and kept watching them. He drunk himself to death, I don’t know him and I have no memories of him but just knowing that he loved me so much makes me fall in love with him and want to see him wherever he is. I admit that at times I think that he’s my guardian angel; he comes to visit me sometimes at night, yes, I can feel his presence especially on the days when I just call him or think of him. I miss him and I love him the most.

I know that if he was alive until today, I’d be his spoiled cookie, his little and precious pearl. But now, he’s not here.

It saddens me to feel so lonely when I think about him and how he loved me and how I never had the chance to love him back.

Grandpa, will you come when I die to lead to the light??? Will you hold me close and carry me in your arms as you did when I was a little girl???

Just to let you know grandpa, I do love you and I’ll wait for you.

I’m just so angry right now and about to bang my head to the wall.    I’m trying to cool down but I can’t, I’m just like a bull ready to hit the red flag.    My God all I want is for him to be my good friend, not just pretending to be around me.    At this very moment my chest is aching and my back is hurting and he’s on my head like if I was his mother.     He’s older than I am and he should be a role model to me but Noooooo, he has to put his head next to mine.    Ah, he’s pissing me off and right now I want to rip his head off and make soup with his brains.    He says he cares but he doesn’t know how to show it.

OK, I’ll be polite and take back the ripping thing and the soup thing; I apologize to you EBM so I’m sorry and forgive me.

Maybe a lot of you wonder, why on earth do I blog this??? But to be honest, I don’t really have anyone to talk to, no girlfriends or male friends… I gave them all up for his sake and because he asked me.    I admit that I let him corner me and that there’s no guy who loves someone and respects her would actually do this, but he told me that it’s for my own good… I requested him politely to be my friend since I don’t have friends left for me to turn to.    Oh God, would you please just understand me… when I’m sad or upset, I don’t always feel like if I wanted to talk and how many times did I say that I just need someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be alright, honestly I think that you don’t have any respect to my feelings EBM, when you ask me what bothers me and I talk to you about it, you say that I’m stupid and that exaggerate a lot and that it wasn’t worth me weeping over… how could you say that, if that’s the way I feel, then you should learn how to consol me as a friend.     I guess if I was talking to a stranger, that stranger would be more caring.    I don’t really understand how men think; they are like babies who need attention all the time and I’m sick of being a mother to my parents, to my brothers, to my sister, to my friends and now him… instead of him being a good friend to help get through a rough day, I get nothing but S***.

Oh, I was just thinking of publishing all my poems, even the worst ones, LOL.    Just wanting to blog them all at once… I know that I published most of them in my early blogs but I would love to put them at once with a copy right © this time.

Anyway, won’t talk much… probably in the next few days I would try and set up the media player in my space.

I should be thanking Mr. D3vmax (Hack MSN Spaces) for the help… probably if you need some help, then go to his space at the following link and don’t forget to thank him because we should learn to be polite.

http://spaces.msn.com/d3vmax/

Thanks folks for listening to me… I know that I talk too much but I guess that I only needed to let out.   Thanks again.

It’s not necessary for someone to be put in a room between four walls to lock you up.   This can happen in many forms, for example you can be locked up by someone through telling you not to talk to anyone, to give up your friendships, to give up your friends, not to talk to your colleagues at work, not to associate with anyone but him.

You are right Yousef Hani for not agreeing on this kind of behaviour because it shows lack of trust in you… but what hurt me the most was, the word that was said to me and it is “I’m afraid that you would get weak and fall for someone in a moment of weakness”, my God, this really broke my heart and as I write about this tears are just waiting to drift.

Am I this weak that I would just throw myself into another man’s arms??? My Goodness, I’m too hurt and you won’t understand how I feel right now.    I’m always accused by him for doing everything wrong, he says he wants me to be better as he says… you know what?? I ended up really wanting to hurt him as he hurt me because when you love someone, you are not suppose to be accusing her all the time for being weak and stuff like it.   I admit that I lied to him about my past relationships but I thought that it was just my business and that it all concerned me alone, he said that he wants to know everything about me but please, just because I lied to you about things that are concerning me doesn’t mean that I’m not faithful or that I don’t love you.    

I am really hurt, so hurt. I can’t think that he doesn’t trust me and I can’t believe that he does it out of love.   This is a lie that we all believe in.

Right now I want to cry and that’s all I’m going to do today and probably for the rest of my life.

Will you be happy or sad?? Will you consider yourself a winner or a loser?? Will you cry or will you laugh?? Will you feast or will you mourn??

You can run all these questions in your head and try to find the suitable answers for them… but there’s no answer to all of these.  It’s just a bullshit thing you have to deal with everyday of your life.

I know that I lost everything I had.  First, I lost my best friend who just couldn’t handle my mood and behaviour anymore so she left me or she says I left her.  Second, I’m financially broke, I got a lot of reasons to that and they all just make me cry because I won’t be able to pay my phone bills, so I have to be wise, but it’s too late for it.  Third, I lost my ability to write, I can’t write proper sentences anymore.  Fourth, I can no longer bear the situation here at work, everyone is just not doing a good job and I’m held responsible; what the heck do they think, I’m working my butt off and no one gives a damn so why should I fucking care.

I lost it all and now I’ll lose my mind, what can I do to get over all this shit. I’m trying but in vain, there’s no one to help me, in fact they all need my precious help.

Just to think that I started working at the age of 19 is really pissing me off; I gave up my studies to support a family that will never be satisfied, I don’t feel like if I have a achieved anything in my life, I’m a complete screw up and it’s too late to get anything fixed.  I just hate me; me is useless and is never a good person since me cannot do anything useful to her or her BF or her friends or her family or anyone.

I’m so pissed at myself because I just don’t know what to do.  And what pisses me even more is that I had this argument with my BF and he wants me to open up my heart to him and tell him everything about me and about what bothers me and I just don’t want to do that.  I need something just to keep to myself; he says that because we are going to share our lives together then we shouldn’t hide anything from one another, yeah right!! Like if he tells me everything that he keeps in his heart.  Gosh, we are all liars if we say that we are open a hundred percent with others.

Right now, I just need a smoke to calm me down.  Yes, I smoke and I started it two months ago.  My mom knew about it and she just got pissed and said what the hell was I thinking, well, let me see, hmm, yeah I’m old enough, I’m 23 years old not 23 months old.  My dad knows that I smoke but he just told me not to smoke in public and not to mix cigarettes because it will hurt me on the short run.

But who cares, I’m all screwed up.  Trying to save the world but can’t save my world first.  This is just stupid of me to think and try to do and now I learned my lesson.

I just want to die; it’s the easiest way out since I’m weak and a total coward.  I am who I fucking am.

People are so happy now that they have celebrated Easter… everyone says that it’s a joyful moment and we should be happy that the Lord has risen from the dead to bring us life.   I have no objection on that but ever since the season of Lent ever started and I’ve been having these mixed emotions; not being able to know what exactly is causing it is a disaster for me.   Yesterday I was speaking to my sweet EBM on the phone; it was around quarter to one after midnight, we talked for hours about what really is bothering me.   For the first time I really opened up to him, I told him about my family concerns and he tried his best to help me.   I told him about work, I was so mad that I was yelling while I was talking to him; he calmed me down and told me to take it easy and started to suggest and converse with me on how to make my work easier for me… he made me laugh when he said that I’m like ten men in my strength, he said that I was smart and I know how to handle myself.   He made me really happy, he gave me more confidence that I ever could imagine, and then he asked me the question “sweet heart, do you only see me now??? Do you see that I’m your world as you of course know that you are my world and that I only see you???” at that moment I knew that he was really my world and that he was the only one in my eyes.   Earlier yesterday I was talking to him on the phone and he told me that he sensed that there was something wrong with me, so he asked me to speak, so I said fine I’ll try and tell you what’s on my mind; so I started to speak then tears came down my eyes and I told him that I didn’t want to speak anymore because I didn’t want to cry, he was so understanding and he said that it was OK for me to cry, he really made feel better in a long time.   He has changed, he became better in the way he treats me and I began to understand him.

But still it’s it; I’m not really in that OK mood, very bad bounces.   I remember talking to my dad and telling him that I want to get out of this country, I can’t breathe anymore but I try and now I just can’t take it anymore.    I have no idea why on earth am I born in a free country and then growing up in an Islamic country where I can’t be ME in anything.

This is just crazy, I feel scattered all over the place and I feel as if I’m broken into a million pieces and not being able to gather those pieces.

Right now, I only feel that need to run away and be with myself for a while away from the world… so bad world I live in; but unfortunately that’s not possible.

However, all I can do is pray.